Joined in 2023 
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Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. —Codependent No More What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career? I have been aware of the term 'Codependent' for a long time, but it only recently popped up on my personal radar as something to look into and understand better. Within days of my starting to take an interest in the topic this book was referenced in another I was then reading (Traumata, by Meera Atkinson). A few weeks later I was looking at audiobooks in the local library and spotted this title, so immediately chose it.
The book contains many quotes from the Twelve Step model and makes many references to God and a Higher Power. The Twelve Step references seemed appropriate at first but I didn't expect to see chapter(s) dedicated to the program. While the parts about the Twelve Step Program offer a good preview for those considering meetings for codependents, it started feeling like a sales pitch. I could have done without so many theistic references, and even though the author states that these references are spiritual but not religious, they felt religious. At first, most people will be naturally drawn to a codependent because of the codependent's ability to give and give and give and give. When it eventually becomes apparent that the charitable behaviors are actually a warped way of controlling the world around them, a psychologically healthy person will turn the other direction and run as fast as they can. They will be able to sense inherently that their boundaries are being infringed on in a subtle and destructive manner. I think the baseline message was articulated very well, in terms of what the core dynamics of codependency are - essentially, caring too much about, and being too influenced by, what other people think, want, etc. There was some really useful discussion about this, as well as plenty of individuals' stories which aided, to some degree, in describing some real-life scenarios that 'codependents' find themselves living and reliving. This is the book that started it all. I know it is cliché but, this book has changed my life and my thinking…The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.”
Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else’s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views…that’s alright. Melody Beattie's compassionate and insightful look into codependency-the concept of losing oneself in the name of helping another-has guided millions of readers toward the understanding that they are powerless to change anyone but themselves and that caring for the self is where healing begins.
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A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. We try to live happily---focusing heroically on what is good in our lives today, and feeling grateful for that. We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more. Detachment involves "present moment living"--living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day. ... Vertimas. Nėra jis labai blogas, visur eina suprast apie ką kalbama, bet vietomis smarkiai nesušukuotas / nedaredaguotas. Visaip nutinka su tom knygom, bet kai skaitai antrą leidimą ir nežinia kelintą tiražą, nervuoja. Pvz: Kartais gyvenant su alkoholiku, lyg ir neturinčiu didelių problemų, pavyzdžiui, negeriančiu, nedalyvaujančiu jokioje sveikimo programoje, mūsų "aš" gali būti daug sunkiau nei tada, kai problemos būna baisesnės. (p. 262) Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don’t believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact. While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren’t loved was because we were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn’t love us, or love us in ways that worked, that’s not our fault. In recovery, we’re learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we’re learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us. Just as we may have believed that we’re unlovable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the quality of our relationships. It will improve our most important relationship: our relationship with our self. We will be able to let others love us and become open to the love and friendship we deserve. Today, help me be aware of and release any self-defeating beliefs I have about being unlovable. Help me begin, today, to tell myself that I am lovable. Help me practice this belief until it gets into my core and manifests itself in my relationships.”
Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go.Now, I have never been a big advocate for self-improvement books, but I have to say that this book was very enlightening. Co-dependency has a different definition for everyone. This book made me delve into my own retched thoughts and confront them head on. When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them. we lose the battles, We lose the wars. We lose our selves---our lives. You didn't cause it; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. p 80 Although I am not dealing specifically/only with an alcoholic, there are other controlling behaviors that this applies to. Not necessarily a chemical or substance dependency. Anything that affects your behavior that you find yourself trying to control situations to avoid that behavior.
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